just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
