TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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