so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
