Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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