The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
