I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize