Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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