and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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