I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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