chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
