honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
