Sorry, I don't speak sober.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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