he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
