my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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