I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
