So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
