Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
