that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
