none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
