i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
