My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Non-Jews are for practice
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
