I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
