i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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