The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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