So drunk, too bad you don't want this
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
