Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
