My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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