....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
