I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize