I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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