how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
