For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
