I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
