4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
