his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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