she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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