So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
