You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
