I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
