She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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