I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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