I met the friendliest cop last night
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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