GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
