If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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