I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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