when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
