My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
