dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
