Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
