My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
