I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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