Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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