good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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