oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
