i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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