Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
