The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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