remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
