You just made me feel so damn special
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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