How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
