ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
