careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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