It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
