there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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