just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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