my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
