I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
