I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
