I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
