Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
