I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
