My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I love you.
Bad choice
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
