Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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