Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
