I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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