You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
