the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
