I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
