I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
